Fickle Emotions and a Steady Flame

We are home after a very long day with various flights, subways and trains. May God bless our friends and neighbors for caring for our home and coming to pick us up at the train station late Wednesday night. We arrived, both sick with colds (not COVID), but glad to be home. Ahhh … to sleep in our own bed. To have a fire in the woodburner again. To eat Charlie’s oatmeal in the morning. To see close family and friends. These are all wonderful parts of coming home.

And yet, now that I’m home, I find myself restless inside. I’m reminded of how fickle emotions are and how I can’t base my decisions and faith on them. Of course, being sick and the weather being so dreary doesn’t help at all! But, I feel regret that we didn’t accomplish what we had set out to accomplish, though we still had a wonderful trip. Not finishing the Camino del Norte in its entirety makes me come face to face with my own physical and emotional limitations. Will I be able to do another Camino in the future and finish it — or has that time passed for me? I don’t consider myself all that old and still have a lot of energy and dreams. I still very much want to do the Camino Portuges and possibly, the Camino Primitivo. And maybe even the Camino Frances one more time. I want to be active and alive and live as fully as possible all the way up till I die. I hate the thought of my body failing me. Of not being able to do things I really want to do just because I don’t have the strength or ability anymore. There’s nothing new here as people have struggled with these issues for as long as humans have lived. But, it’s hard to know if it’s something to push through or if it’s something to accept and adjust. I know a lot of people who seem to be older than their years — almost as if they’ve given up on growing and having new goals and are just content to settle into old age and live life looking backwards. That’s not what I want in life.

When Charlie and I married, we included a quote from George Bernanrd Shaw in our wedding bulletin that sums up our philosophy for life: “This is the true joy of life: being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making me happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to others, and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for them whatever I can. I want to be used up when I die … Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for a moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.“

So, I set my eyes on what is most important, what is the center for me — living a life based with Jesus at the core. Regardless of any doubts or uncertainties or other types of fickle emotions, this is where I take my stand. To be a steady flame for Christ. The rest will unfold over time.

~ Terri

p.s. I did experience all the things I had been worried about prior to the trip, but it all turned out okay. I was glad I had brought along my bug sheets and the little bottle of spray. It got used up! Toilet paper. And I have a better sense of how to train for a future trip (glutes and hips, ladies!!). God is faithful.