Reconciliation is the Center of our Work, But …

Palmer Becker has written a great book called Anabaptist Essentials: Ten Signs of a Unique Faith (2017, MennoMedia). In the book, he outlines three organizing principles of an Anabaptist perspective — Jesus is the center of our faith, community is the center of our life, and reconciliation is the center of our work (pp. 29-137). Friend, Peter Graber, is a doing a fantastic job leading a Sunday School class on this book but unfortunately, I missed the last class. During the earlier classes, we covered the first two organizing principles and the next one I assume would have been about reconciliation. Though I’m certain Peter has done justice to the complexity of the issue, I have a lot of angst these days about the topic. What does reconciliation really mean, really look like in reality? Are justice and forgiveness intertwined with reconciliation?

I know there are entire classes in seminary and elsewhere taught on this topic so my musings won’t be able to do it justice (there’s that word!). I had the fortune of taking a restorative justice class taught by Howard Zehr (lucky me) at the Center for Justice and Peacebuilding, Eastern Mennonite University, Harrisonburg, VA as well as a class on forgiveness at Anabaptist Mennonite Biblical Seminary in Elkhart, IN. It’s a complex topic and too often people minimize it down to something black and white, yes or no, do “it” or “don’t.” I have more questions than conclusions. But, I am in a very difficult situation right now with someone connected to a family member who I love and am truly struggling with what this looks like in my life. Here I am, a former therapist/chaplain/pastor, and yet one of my key relationships has been sidetracked by this topic. Geesh. Where is the hope?!

Now, I’ve heard all the religious lingo about reconciliation being a command from Jesus so of course we HAVE to seek reconciliation regardless of the situation, regardless of the harm inflicted, etc. etc. I know that anger and hatred can eat a person up inside and do a lot more harm to the “victim” than the person who did the harm … That often there’s not a clear “victim” and “perpetrator” though one side may be more subtle or hidden then the more blatent harm inflicted … And I know that forgiveness and reconciliation don’t mean the same thing. We can forgive without reconciling though I don’t think we can reconcile without forgiveness.

But, where does justice fit in, if at all? How does it interweave with forgiveness and reconciliation?

When I was attending the Center for Justice and Peacebuilding, another one of my classes was the STAR training (Strategies for Trauma Awareness and Resilience). We used the book, The Journey Towards Reconciliation by John Paul Lederach (1999, Herald Press, now called Reconcile). Fantastic book. In it, there was an exercise using Psalm 85:10:

“Truth and mercy have met together, justice and peace have kissed.”

The class broke up into four small groups with some taking the role of truth, others mercy, justice and peace. We dialogued within our respective groups and then dialogued with each other, looking at what we were most concerned about and what we were afraid of (pp. 52-61). It was POWERFUL.

Life is messy. I’ve seen a lot in my years as a mental health therapist, chaplain and pastor. I’ve been astounded at the hurts that we can inflict on each other directly or indirectly and see the damage that’s done. I’ve been amazed at the courage I’ve seen to continue on despite what could have been crippling injustices … To choose to rise above, rise beyond, to take the high road.

I think you have to be deeply centered in God’s love to be able to do that. Love for self, love for the other. But, yet even then, life and relationships are not linear. There is so much out of our control. If I do ___ doesn’t necessarily lead to ___. I am called to love self and love others to the best of my ability, but …

I’ve come to the conclusion that reconciliation is not always possible though we are called to honestly try. That it requires a two-way street, that boundaries are essential, that injustices do matter. That it’s not okay to be abused. And that some relationships you just have to end for one’s own health but to do so without hatred, without bitterness. Stepping away from the relationship can help create some distance from the hurt or humiliation or rage or whatever emotion was present, to then be able to come to a softer emotion. Asking God to give us eyes of compassion to be able to see the other person as God sees him or her … To be willing to always leave a door open for reconciliation if at some point the other is open as well … To pray for the person … And to stay centered in God’s love in the midst of it all.

I’m interested in your thoughts. I certainly need your prayers. Thank you in advance for your sharings.

~ Terri

Featured image by Charles Geiser, Muxia, Spain. Other photos by Howard Friesen. Painting by Jan Richardson.

Our fearless Sunday School leader showing us the way!

The harder path …

Every Sacred Vessel, copyright Jan Richardson. janrichardson.com.