With a little help from my friends

The Beatles song, With a Little Help from my Friends, comes to mind as I maneuver family complexities with my 94 year old father laid up in rehab recovering from a broken leg. It’s hard to walk this path right now. My father and I have always been close. It’s hard to see him so vulnerable, so dependent on others, when usually he is extremely independent and active. But he is working hard in rehab and clearly has already made improvements despite undergoing two other surgeries prior to breaking his leg! We Shoemakers are made of tough stuff. I’m trying to find the balance of providing encouragement and support while also recognizing that life is finite and some things just may not get worked out in our lifetimes. All relationships have times of difficulty and throw in issues of being a blended family and brokenness and it can be a field ripe for all sorts of mischief. Thank God for friends who are praying and helping me through this time as I love and support my father.

I recently had a conversation with my sister-in-law who has maintained close friendships with several women over multiple decades of her life. Wow! I’ve never been good at that. My friendships have almost always “been for a season” and when that part of my life is over, my friendships have tended to dissipate as well. It’s not something I’m proud of, it just has been a pattern I’ve had throughout my life. It probably has something to do with trust and intimacy. You know, always working on these issues …

My husband and I have been part of a small group for years but no longer live in the same state. Charlie was part of it from the beginning while I joined after we married 25 years ago. Though we don’t see each other often, our times together are precious. We have our differences and sometimes drive each other nuts or hurt each other, but our commitment to be there despite it all has been a real gift. Though I don’t have many, I really value these long-standing friendships.

I am grateful for friendships where I can be completely myself. Where I don’t have to pretend. Where I can be vulnerable, trusting that the other person will not use that information to hurt me but instead will hold my vulnerability with love and care. As I do the other person’s. I value friendships that stretch me beyond comfort zones. I need different perspectives, different ways of maneuvering in the world, different thoughts and opinions that help me grow. And when (not if!) there’s conflict, we are able to openly talk about it, knowing that the friendship is strong enough to survive the struggle. That’s true intimacy. Conflict is normal and healthy and doesn’t have to be destructive. This type of friendship is rarer. I can fully relax with this type of friendship as it’s been tested by fire.

And then there are all the meaningful interactions with friends from different areas of my life – my church family and other churches, friends from our travels, a women’s group I’m part of, our neighbors, volunteer activities, new friends, interactions with strangers, etc. etc. Each person adds something. There’s a unique opportunity within each interaction to bless another and/or receive a blessing. The weaving in and out of our lives … what each thread looks like within the weaving … the color, the texture, the design that emerges … even the struggles … for they all are part of the weaving of my life. And for that, I’m tremendously grateful.

Lord, may I be a friend to others as I need for myself.

~ Terri

Photos by Charles Geiser of my father, Peter Shoemaker, Sylvie Gudin and Juana Ruiz; Dan King of small group; and Howard Friesen of the Learning Tour in Guatemala and El Salvador